When I was younger, I had an immensely versatile personality. As a child, I didn’t fully comprehend and understand this. While I excelled academically, I spent little to no time actually studying, which meant I fell short of fitting in with the geeks. I also had a wild side, which got me into a lot of trouble and saw me constantly experimented with the things I was told to steer clear off. My multi-faceted nature also meant sometimes I came across as an introvert and at times I just wanted to be left alone to read books.
As a result of my colourful personality, I did not fit in with the popular crowd. I was what is today termed ‘a jack of all traits and a master of none.’ I was too many things at the same time, often to my own detriment, that over time it led to an identity crisis. Truthfully speaking, I am not convinced I know exactly who I am yet, because every time I think I have myself figured out, I seem to run away from myself.
This manifested itself this week when I ended up exchanging heated words with someone on Twitter. I reacted to a provocation on my person which was well out of character. I say out of character, because I truly believed that I had outgrown the stage in my life where I engage in a public mud wrestle in the hopes that I come out clean. In fact, I achieved the exact opposite when I dived headfirst into a Twar (Twitter + War = Twar). I not only disappointed myself in the ugly exchange of words, but painted myself in a completely different light to the person I have started seeing in my mirror. The girl who had a way with words and more often than not, has her head screwed on properly, succumbed to a twitter audience. The girl who preaches self-love and encourages a heart of care, got lost in the tea and slandered another woman. So, what does that make me? A hypocrite?
No! It makes me human.
It makes me a deeply flawed human who hasn’t mastered emotional intelligence, but most importantly, it makes me a human with real feelings. Although, one can never excuse behaviour that goes against what you stand for, it highlights that we are all on a journey to self-discovery. No one ever has it all together, or figured out. We all make mistakes and will continue to do so. The irony here is that this is the exact reason the Twar started to begin with… this need to criticise the fault in others while ignoring our own.
For the longest time, all that this seeming Twitter ‘opponent’ of mine wanted to do is let the world know that things are often not as they appear to be and that we do not know all the sides to the story, but instead of lending just one ear, I shut her out. Refused to acknowledge what she was trying to do. Now here I am, ironically, in the exact same shoes, stressing that the world doesn’t really know what happened. They do not know the series of events that lead to that fateful day discussed on Twitter. Why then, should the world spare me its wrath when I too displayed rage towards another? Why should people be kinder to me when I forgot to be caring to another? Why should I demand that the stars in my eyes be left alone when I tried to remove them from someone else?
I learnt a hard earned lesson, that regardless of how I may want to sit and judge, I am not sitting on a throne to do so.
So, this is me apologising for my behaviour. I am sorry to all the parties involved and anyone who may have been harmed by the social media exchange. As unbecoming as it was, there was a lesson. I had to be thrust into an unpleasant situation to understand that he without sin, cast the first stone. We all sin differently, but that doesn’t warrant judgement.
With a tad bit of crazy,
Love, Mavis.
