I was the girl who was always left with my heart in my hands, trying to figure out how and when did it all go wrong? When did the man I once looked at with stars in my eyes become someone I no longer recognised? To such a degree that I started to feel like this person staring back at me is a total stranger, because surely the man I fell in-love with could not be this cruel. Yet, time and time again, I found myself sitting and telling the story of a failed relationship to my mentor and she would ask me the questions that usually followed;
- What did you learn?
- What will you do different next time?
My answer as per usual was the same. I learnt parts of myself that need work and need to be reinforced so as to ensure that I never find myself in a similar situation. I would detox and get off social media to work on myself and ensure that I am not the same girl next time. Yet, a year later, I would be telling the same story of a failed relationship. Interesting enough, if you look at every failed relationship, there were such glaring similarities of unfaithfulness and disrespect. When there are so many similarities in past relationships, one has to take a minute and stop pointing fingers because three fingers point right back at you.
We find ourselves in a cycle of relationships, job hunting or failure. There is this constant repetition of events in our life and it is simply exhausting. You find that you may fall prey to men with ill intentions, who usually start off as amazing suiters. You find that your friendships seem to end the same way each time, or your business ventures never seem to lift off the ground. We all fall prey to one or the other life cycle. Something that keeps happening repeatedly and you cannot seem to get out of it. Each and every one of us have an area in which we struggle and we start to feel like we are lost in a maze and cannot seem to find the means out. To which one would then beg the question,
How do you make it stop?
You have heard every cliché in the book and have tried all remedies to your situation, yet there seems to be no change of results. You keep trying again, promising this time it will be different, this time it will be better, because this time you will ensure that you are careful. Which is an amazing approach, yet you find yourself smack in the middle of a different situation with pretty much the same results. The agony in this is that it creates a feeling of resentment, towards men, towards friendships and towards business. Almost as though, it is better to not try at all as, at least in that case, you stand the chance of being in the safety of contentment. You promise yourself, that you will never find yourself in a similar situation and more often than not, you find yourself in the exact same spot.
Truth is, the answers are all within you. Yes, this is so cliché, but it is true. In most cases whichever area in your life that has you feeling like a failure, you usually have answers to. You know what needs to be different, yet simply cannot seem to grasp how exactly to get past what is happening.
My story is that I knew that the most fundamental lack was that I loved the butterflies that came with a new relationship, that I never took the time out to actually get to know the person pursuing me. I changed that. After which, I knew that I lacked emotional intelligence, and needed to learn how to think with my head and not my heart even in the midst of feelings. I changed that. I later learnt that as a God fearing woman, I ought to ensure God is the foundation. I changed that. So what else could possibly need work in my life?
The answer I always knew, yet admitting it felt like I was pulling off a bandage of a wound. I did not know myself enough to know what I want. I had absolutely no clue what it is I wanted, so I kept accepting things that looked like what I should want. I kept letting men into my life who could make me smile and sweep me off my feet, yet that was not sustainable., hence the same outcome.
You cannot teach someone how to love you, when you do not know how to love yourself.
This always seemed foreign to me, I never did understand what was meant by this statement, because I did what any normal girl did in terms of self –care and self-perception, yet there were underlying insecurities that showed face every time a new suiter came my way.
Stop running from yourself. Stop. Running. Face yourself and learn yourself, the answers to your life cycle all lie within you. I stopped and faced myself, the best decision I have ever made in my life and equally the hardest. The rewards of this have made me see myself in a beautiful light, I am flawed, however I deserve all the love in the world, because I am worthy.
From one Queen to another,
With a tad bit of crazy,
Love Mavis
Let’s chat!
Email me your thoughts on this piece – eliasmavis@gmail.com
