When you have been struggling for the longest time, scrapping by and simply fighting to survive, it comes as an absolute shock to your system when the dynamics change and you finally catch a break. It leaves you holding your breath, anticipating the next disappointment, because life has conditioned you to always expect the worst. You hardly ever believe there can be any good meant for you, because past experience has shown you that good things comes in threes and so do bad things. Yet, all you are accustomed to is the bad. Interesting enough, the struggles and hardships you have faced initially were intended to be life lessons that will toughen you up and you had yourself convinced that only the strong face the hardest battles, because that teaches endurance.
When the break finally arrives, you question how long it will last. You stare the opportunity dead in the eyes, almost as though you expect it to be taken away from you at any moment. You hold your breath, because you are afraid that if you breathe, it may blow away into thin air and you will go back to fighting for yet another opportunity.
This is me, I am the one who is holding my breath, because remember I was telling you all in the post titled, “I am not unemployed, I am on a sabbatical”? Well, I got the job. I actually got the job of my dreams and I am scared out my wits. Yes, scared. You would think this ought to be the moment the heavens pour out praise and I am throwing confetti in the air, instead all I am is scared.
I am afraid this will not last – this is the common reaction to good happening in many of our lives, because there is the constant nagging fear it may not last. That this will be a short lived victory and sooner rather than later I will be back at trying to figure out how to make ends meet and seek another opportunity.
I am afraid of the reality – the reality is that I have dreamt of a job in project management for as long as I can remember. It has been my dream, my want and my epitome. Yet, here I am, faced with the reality and I cannot let it sink in. This is simply because it always looked like a far off dream that I have to go after, that I have for so long been fighting for that the reality is well, scary. It is no longer a dream, it is my now, my reality, my today.
The fear that I may not be good enough – well damn! The nagging feeling that your dream may be a wasted dream, because what if… what if you do not excel at it? This is a genuine fear and a terrible fear to have, because it can be binding and it can be crippling.
The thing is that these are all fears, and fears are a human reality. A reality I look to dismantle. The moment I spend my time dwelling on negative energy and questioning my reality, I take time away from excelling. I take time away from living out my dream, making sure I learn as much as I can and waste energy on things that do not matter. They do not matter, because fear is supposed to be a driving force and not a crippling force. It is in my fear that I am to push harder and work harder than I have before. I come from a place of fighting to achieve my dreams and step into a place of fighting for my reality. I have now, today, to make sure that I become the best project manager I can ever be. To ensure that I surprise myself at how well I do at my job.
Why? There is a pleasure in learning and excelling.
No one person woke up and had it all figured out, and that is life. As soon as I can accept that, I can accept that this is a journey, a beautiful journey that I am meant to figure out. There is no harm in having moments of doubt, but those moments should not last long. Those moments should become the fuel that drives you to be better. Take a moment and sort through the feelings you have, then make conscious decisions to overpower any element of doubt, because only you create your reality. Only you have the right to write out your destiny.
These Mono & Me posts have become my way of sorting through my internal turmoil. It is in these posts that I can go through the emotions and ensure that they do not dictate my reality; I hope my reality inspires you into a better tomorrow.
With a tad bit of crazy
Love Mavis
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