Alright, so writers block is a real thing and I actually took for granted just how real it can be. On the other hand I feel that perhaps I am unable to write unless it is inspired. I have to write from my heart, else I feel like I am just filling words on paper. Truth is that I did not have writers block, I had truths block because my pieces were lacking authenticity and I started writing on matters that were close to my heart, but were not relevant to what was happening in my life. I think the reason I even started this writing journey was to ensure that if ever someone read a piece I wrote, they would be able to relate and could walk away knowing – you know what, I am not alone and if she can be honest about her journey then surely I can too… and surely I will be alright. So I decided to go back to base. To go straight back to where we left off, before I lost the soul of my writing. Let’s catch up shall we (brace yourself, it has been rough)
- I started seeing a psychologist – Yes! I started seeing WHOLE person shrink, counselor, helper and mental health assistant. A WHOLE ONE. This is because the reality is that we tend to belittle how much of an influence mental health actually has on our well-being. Things happen to us and we think, it’s alright I will deal. Until such a time that these things force us to actually take a moment to address them to move forward. I had a very backward perception and idea of what getting a psychologist meant, because I was under the illusion it made me half crazy, half normal – yet, I did not know that this would single handedly be the best decision I made all year.
- I dared to believe I can, so I did – Well, I am not sure where we left off last time, but my self-belief was all the way in the gutter. I mean, all the way in the gutter. As in the economy had taken a turn for the worst and gigs were not coming in, the construction industry was suffering, donations were at a bare minimum and literally everything I touched turned to dust. It was the most discouraging year of my life, not because I was not able to do better or get up and fight harder, it’s just sometimes there was rarely any opportunity to fight at all. I did what I do best and decided that one step at a time it shall be. I dared to believe that it will get better and it is getting better, one slow step at a time.
- My beliefs are no longer beliefs – I am at a stage in my life where I no longer know what I believe. I had so many set beliefs in my life as to how things work and how the world ought to work. Incredibly naïve and obnoxious in my set of beliefs till the world knocked my entire world to the side and turned on it’s axis. I used to have my beliefs cast in stone, I believed homosexuality is wrong – because the Bible says so. I believed abortion is wrong – Because the Bible said so. I believed I ought to be married by 27 – Because I was raised to believe so. I used to believe life gives you what you deserve – Because I have a good heart. Until, one fatal day everything I believe was threatened and I had to relook everything I believe in and allow myself to be educated. Because our beliefs are sometimes born out of a place of ignorance, an inability to consider an alternative view. I will admit that this is my biggest struggle because for so long I believed things were either black or white and there is no grey area. Turns out, life is made out of many grey areas.
- Being the bigger person isn’t always fun – I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with kind people who generally have no bad intentions. My circle has always been made of people with pure hearts and so I have never had to cry because a friend I held dear hurt me. Well, that has since changed and I found out that losing a friend can hurt equally as bad as losing a lover. That it can sting and probably hurts far more than a break-up because I have had break-ups (I would like to think I have those on lock), but never lost a friend. Losing a friend when you know you aren’t wrong and having to choose to be the bigger person and not stoop or fight it, must be my biggest lesson this year. They say emotional intelligence is taught, no. They are wrong, it is earned. It is not until you find yourself in a situation that demands your emotional intelligence or pulls at your petty self, that you will learn that the former is earned when you choose it.
- Self-Love isn’t all it’s cut out to be – Although it is the best thing you will ever learn and probably the best season of your life, it can suck! I know coming from me this is huge. However, we are being honest right? Well, I sometime crave to be hugged and a warm vanilla scented bath cannot cure that. I sometimes want real attention from a HUMAN and because I choose to go on this self-love journey doesn’t mean I too don’t fall sometimes. The only thing I learnt is that although it is not always fun, I need to love myself enough to pick myself up and try again. Self-love also means learning your areas of weakness and learning how to deal with them. It is not found in acting inhuman and merely loving solitude, because being honest with yourself is how you start to heal yourself.
Remember that.
PS: You guys have been so quiet, I am not sure if I am writing to anybody. Hit me up. I miss you – eliasmavis@gmail.com
From one Powerhouse to another
Love Mavis. @MavisElias_
