It’s year-end and your girl is tired! I mean, all I need is a tall glass of oshikundu, my feet up under a tree playing owela. Nothing more and nothing less. I am not craving white sand beaches, I am not craving an air flight ticket, nope. I want to go home, I want to do nothing and I need you to know and believe it is all I want and need.
The year that was. Looking back and reflecting on the year, I am confident to say that I lived. I didn’t just live, I shed the toxic traits, dressed up my insecurities and sent them on the road and dared to face my fears. I looked myself dead in the eye and asked myself the hardest question to date, who are you really?
I cringed at what I found buried deep within the places I covered with the statement, that’s just who I am. I cried as my heart broke over and over, every time I fell into the same toxic traits after promising myself growth. I outgrew the old me and blossomed into a butterfly. Unafraid to fly out into the meadow and finally, finally be free.
The cycle of the butterfly.
I was a caterpillar – I was always holding onto the familiar. Walking the same route, working the same way and always staying close to the ground. I was adamant to hold onto the familiar. At no point could I ever face the burning question that burned inside my chest. It made it hard to breathe sometimes, it made it hard to focus on what I truly want and it made me unhappy. Let me explain.
Growing up I was always so sure of myself. I was always certain I knew what I wanted. Always mapping out my life, always plotting my steps and always maintaining boundaries. I knew I wanted to be an engineer. I graduated, celebrated and found a job in the field and I hated it. So, here I am, the caterpillar. Adamant to hold onto what I know, adamant to stay in what I deemed familiar. Concrete, steel and computer designs. I held on with dear life, because I was adamant that though I was miserable, at least it was familiar.
My life turned upside down in the exact time that the world started to celebrate the work I have been doing. In June 2018, I was awarded the Queens Young Leaders award 2018 and the entire world had its eyes on me. Everyone wanted to know what I do, everyone wanted to know what I would do next with this new found platform and voice, and I drew a blank. In the midst of flashing cameras, all I wanted to do was get into a cocoon and figure myself out. Two days before I travelled to London I lost my engineering job due to retrenchment. I was grieving my job and celebrating the award simultaneously. What I had to admit to myself though is that the grief was not about losing the job, it was that I was ecstatic about leaving the engineering field, which put my mind into turmoil as to what next?
So I allowed myself two months to cocoon my mind and rest. Rest in that I would figure it out. I spent the cocooned time searching what I want, what I am passionate about and what I want to pursue for the rest of my life.
Finding myself in a position of self-discovery was both exhilarating and downright scary. Exhilarating because finally admitting that I do not want to be a professional registered engineer was difficult and freeing. I was free to explore what I want to be, if not an engineer. The scary part was the blank canvas. Not knowing what is next, but I will have you know it provided me the freedom I had been searching for. I was free to carve out my own journey, I was free to explore and free to fly!
I can be anything from this point on out. I can write my story on a new canvas, and I can be whatever, whoever I choose to be. I am FREE!
We have grown through this year, grown through this blog. Cried, laughed, fell and got back up. It is my hope that the honesty with which I write, allows you to grow with me and through me. I wish you a happy festive season. I will see you next year, right here and ready to fly!
Happy holidays happy reader.
For the last time, for the year 2018, let’s say this one last time
From One Powerhouse to another