You will get to a certain point of healing and maturity, where you will have an ‘aha’ moment, that the people who have hurt you had nothing to do with you or what you have done; that we don’t have enough power to control people’s actions towards us and sometimes it’s not about you at all, but it has everything to do with themselves.

The moment I realized that the people who have hurt me, did so by projecting their hurt and fears. Not because I did something wrong to them, and even if I did, if they were healed, they would have responded with understanding and compassion. They would have not matched my fire with theirs. That was the day I set myself free from bitterness and grudges.

The world truly doesn’t revolve around us. We take too many things personally. When someone hurts us, we automatically think it’s about us, no! Take a step back and consider who the person is. Has he/she been hurt before? Is this normal for them to act in this way given the situation? Are they able to express themselves fully? Have they found healing and peace with their pain and past? Do they ever take accountability for their actions and decisions or do they love the blame game?

Is it always the other person who is wrong and not them? Do they acknowledge and recognize that they hurt people when they do?

It’s so important to know your identity so when someone hurts you, before you take it personally or match their fire with yours, you have to become the bigger person by instantly bringing the peace. If that means removing yourself from the equation than do so without saying anything.

I had to learn this the hard way. Someone hurt me and instead of being the bigger person and understanding they didn’t know any better, I met them at their level. I tried to hurt them as much as they did me. One morning I woke up and I didn’t recognize myself. I went against everything I stood for and believed in just because I wanted to hurt them back as I took it personally and wanted to prove my point. I, however, knew better and I knew who I was even in the midst of the chaos; I put my guns down and left peace in the room because I know who I was and took accountability for the part I played and the hurt I caused during the battle…I didn’t want to intoxicate myself with more bitterness. That is the attitude we need to maintain. Someone who doesn’t know better will never hear better until they are suffocating. Don’t bring the gas to them too (Don’t add fuel to the fire?). Like stop! You’re better than that, you can be better,and you can respond better.

That brings me to, “She just stopped talking to me or she likes ghosting us”. Do you know the many battles your friends and family members fight in privacy? Do you know if they are suffocating so much that they can’t even speak? Do you know a hurt person who is ghosting you is doing you the greatest favour by leaving you in peace?

It’s not always about you.

Your best friend can be going through the most and can decide the best healing process for them is for them to retreat in their shell and open up when they are ready.

So, what if she took a day to respond to you? Perhaps she had the worst day from hell and just felt like retreating to recharge so she can respond with better energy.

Now that is how an unhealed person, going through the most, acts like. However, this is how a healed person will respond:

“Hi, I am going through something right now and I am taking some time to get myself together as I need to do it alone, I will get back to you as soon as I am at my best again. I love you.”

See the difference? And how does a healed friend respond?

“Hi darling, I know you’re hurting at the moment, so I am going to give you some space to figure it all out. I am here if you need me”.

And finally, this is how a former toxic person, now healed, responds to someone they fought fire with fire:

“Hello, I want to take accountability for my actions, I should have known better than to have acted the way I did. I know better now, and I refuse to let someone else’s actions determine how I respond out of my identity. I’m letting peace and forgiveness flows.”


Life can be really simple if we all find healing and discover our identity. It will give us a guideline on which party to attend and which to avoid and if we do find ourselves in one, we’ll know how to respond. We need to accept that hurt people hurt people, simple.

I have been telling the people around me that I am trying to secure my blessing and favours, so I need to keep my heart pure and free from any toxic emotions.

The damage hurt people cause within themselves when they hurt people is far greater than one can comprehend. That is bad energy you put back in the universe that will come back to you: miss me with that.

I am bringing peace to arguments; I am responding with love, compassion and understanding because that is my identity. I love peace, not war. I am here to build and love not to tear down and I am spiritual being having a human experience that knows, it ain’t got sh*t to do with me unless I went to provoke the chicken personally and intentionally. I am not more important than the next person, the only difference is, I know who I am, what I am here for and what I am not here to do.

It ain’t about you, you are not that important!

What are your thoughts?

-Rautia Nakanyala

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