Today I’d like to have a little chat with the single MonoMom.
The single woman, who also happens to be a single mom & would love to start dating again.
Now, I am sure I’m not only speaking for myself when I say, dating as a single mom, makes for world class comedy at times. Sometime in the future, we can definitely post some of thee most awkward and hilarious moments experienced.
Right now however three nuggets of wisdom that I have found useful as I navigated these very daunting, dating aspect of life as a single parent.
For me personally, for the longest time, it was just easier to not date at all. In the midst of often multi -tasking single handedly what would be shared errands in a conventional set up, I just did not have enough time. Or at least that’s what I told myself all the time.
Weekdays where impossible, between my full time job, helping out with school homework, dealing with tantrums, cooking and cleaning, there was not a minute to spare for myself, let alone for anyone else. Weekends where for barbershop visits, laundry and to catch up on sleep.
When was I to even entertain thoughts of allowing another person into our little world that on most days felt like we were barely holding on?!
Dear Mommy, You will have to make time. Intentionally.
I have come to the realisation that healthy dating, is a form of “self preservation”, for lack of a better term.
Contrary to my prior belief, interaction with other adults is a necessary form of self care lest you want “Baby Shark” to be the constant sound track of your life. So when an opportunity to engage socially presents itself, please show up to it.
As cliche as it sounds, the perfect date is definitely not going to break into your home.
Shout for help
Don’t always use the kids as an excuse to isolate yourself from the world around you.
No man is an island. Ask friends to babysit every once in a while. Do carpools. Even with the most well thought out plan, you will need a good support base, which more often than not, includes the Baby Daddy. There is no honour in trying to spite the other parent with petty ego battles. Let him baby sit whilst you get a glass of wine over date night if the type of relationship you have allows.
It’s only fair towards yourself.
Another observation I noted in our isolated existence was the convenience. Unlike the two above, the third point is more reflective.
Spending time with my son alone was effortless. I didn’t have to audition, which is what modern day dating felt like to me at times. I didn’t have to make any effort with my physical appearance. I could literally be on the couch in pj’s all day, I mean, the little lad didn’t have a say in the matter. I was his mom, he couldn’t change that, he couldn’t cheat on me, he had to eat what I cooked. It was a controlled environment. It was comfortable. So naturally, I continued in these patterns.
It was not growing me. I was not evolving socially. One of thee most beautiful things in a relationship with peers or others is the amount of introspection it triggers. It forces you to look at you. It fosters an environment of continuous feedback from the environment that often alerts us of toxic behaviour and destructive habits that we get an opportunity to then face and work on.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to remain single. What we are pondering upon today is for those of us, who in typical sacrificial motherhood style have convinced ourselves of many false reasons i.e. excuses, when in reality, finding love has very little to do with the type of parenting.
We are relational beings, nurturing is a primal instinct and we are happiest when we serve each other.
Oh and love is the plug.
Let’s try and remember that.
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