By Rautia Nakanyala

I am writing this on a Friday evening, twenty minutes before 9 pm, I am meant to submit my entry for Sunday today and bet I will but this has what my life has become, a life filled with things I need to do because they give me great joy. I just finished cooking dinner and watching the kids eat as I indulge in a glass of wine and try to write before I take a long warm shower and have dinner. My life is busy, it’s a simple as that.

It’s been just little over a month since it just been me and the boys (my seven and three-year-old brothers). I am still trying to find a balance which I now realize doesn’t exist. I start my day choosing what’s more important and I do that. That is followed by the next task until bedtime; bedtime might come at four in the early morning because that’s when I’m finished doing what had to be done or the time my mind finally stopped going through everything I did and didn’t do.

Running my own business hasn’t been easy. The more clients I get and the bigger the profit margin grows, the busier I get. I will have to admit that I been not performing at my best: I been slacking a little because my attention is divided between the kids, working for my mum and all the other roles I play.

I get home really tired but instead of taking a nap, I have a toddler who wants cuddles and uses me as a human jungle gym. Surprisingly, I honestly look forward to all the jumping and little whispers of ‘hello’ followed with the most beautiful smile and a sparkle in his eyes. I mean who can resist? Thereafter, I have a very curious seven-year-old that has never-ending questions that have me running to google for answers sometimes. Please don’t get me started on how he keeps trying my limits, he is honestly seven going on sixteen. Then there’s me trying to decide whether to cook or order dinner, that’s if I haven’t already come home with take-away. Followed by begging a three-year-old to eat more than two bites and sometimes I go to bed guilty because he fell asleep right after I bath him before I could serve dinner.

I do not doubt that my life will only get busier because there’s so much more I want to do in my life: bring another business idea to life, enroll for studies, more roles I am going to have to play. Knowing that gives me joy in these moments, in my today. This is the life I had prayed for and earned/desired for and I know to keep it, I am going to have to bring the very best of me each and every morning. 

I am going to have to do it, to show up, exhausted or not. When I lay in bed at night, I feel nothing but gratitude to be living this life even when my back aches, my heart is full. Or when on Saturday I keep my date with the boys and watch them play at a nice kids’ friendly restaurants that we just discovered. Seeing them happy makes it all worth it -the work, the exhaustion, the guilt trips and the confusion states I often find myself in.

This is merely the beginnings of a greater life. I am just starting to live in my purpose, answering the call of my life and dancing to the beat of my own drums. At this moment, I am accepting it all and just trying to live in the moment and not worry about where else I would like to be or do. I find that each day I have been equipped with the strength and wisdom I need – my tired becomes the mood that pushes me to push to accomplish more on that day. Being a perfectionist doesn’t help, you know that house will be cleaned even if it’s at midnight, laundry folded, and toys packed away and I will do it the next day and the day after with great joy because it is what I was meant to do right now.

My life is very unconventional, different and instead of fighting it like I used to in the past and letting people’s opinions cause me to question God’s plan for my life, I have learned to embrace it. That’s what happens when you find your purpose and true identity, you learn to find peace and joy in what your life is and who you are; you live for a far greater purpose than yourself. You understand that you are a vessel, so the only limit you have is in your head. 

Keep going child, you got this, dance in the chaos of your life, it’s beautiful. To hell with conventional and balance.

 

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