I tried with all my might and all my strength to hold onto life as it was. I did not like new shifts, new habits and new possibilities. They made me nervous, gave me anxiety until all I wanted to do was lie down and hope my world would stop spinning. I did not like change, I did not like evolving and so I did as I always did, held on to what I knew, the familiar and the places that felt like I was imprinted in them. These familiar places were what I knew, they had come to define who I am, and I liked who I am. I was adamant that change would not happen to me, I treated change like a disease that was to be avoided, because for as long as I held onto pattern, I could predict the outcome.
Unpredictability was what I avoided most, it was not so much change as it was the outcome of the change. I have this need to be able to map everything out, to be able to know the beginning and have an idea of the ending. For as long as I could do a risk matrix and figure out how effective my decision was, I was game. However, anything that was based on intuition and foresight, I avoided like a plague. Life, however, had other plans, it was going to test all waters, and make me shift out of myself. Out of everything I had come to know and deem my normal, and life did the one thing I absolutely despise, hate and cannot stand.
Life made me create a new normal.
From the very crux of who I had come to believe I am. It tested my character. Made me shift into a new dimension of who I am and discover the unfound treasures that lay within me. Daring me to tap into my inner strength, cultivate my character and find the purpose buried within me. A process I always thought was tedious, yet when confronted with it, I strangely enjoyed.
It made me throw out my ideas and allow it to lead the way. This goes against everything I am, as one who needs to map out every last detail and have a plan B in case of failure, the idea of allowing life to lead my steps was terrifying. It defied logic, yet was liberating. The allowance meant that I had an end goal, however the dynamics of how that end goal was to be attained eluded me. This taught me that there is beauty in not knowing (even as I type this, I cringe), yet I know now that in not knowing I throw out preconceived ideologies and allow myself to shift and mould with where I am at – at present.
I found my centre. The very core of who I am. A place I avoided like the plague, because finding your centre comes with the beautiful and the ugly. It makes you face yourself in the mirror, without covering up. The most frightening, liberating, amazing, soulful journey I have yet to come across. Amazing, does not begin to describe what finding oneself feels like. It is like coming face to face with a person you both always knew existed, yet doubted you could ever conjure, because they must be a figment of your imagination. It is a beautiful moment, filled with tears and laughter. Tears, from the hurt that boils to the surface and forces you to deal with it. Laughter, from not having realized how much sooner you could have done and attained this.
I finally understand what emotional intelligence is. Although, I am yet to discover the strength that comes with ones EQ. I am aware of how emotions play a vital role in our relation to people, but I too understand how emotions bring you back to your soul. To understand how to apply emotions and muster them, is mustering self. This has to be the most profound of all my findings. This has become my daily reminder, that even though I am an emotional person, not all emotions warrant reaction. With this, I grew at least 6 years past my age, I came about finding wisdom. Something I have longed for, for as long as I can remember.
Although, I have not overcome the fear of the unknown, I have embraced the lessons fear has taught me. I have come to understand that evolving is our biggest asset as human beings and it would be a pity to fight evolution rather than embrace it. I am learning, as I engineer my life to reflect who I am destined to be.
To each his own journey. I hope mine inspires you to find yourself.
With a ta bit of crazy
Love Mavis
