By Rautia Nakanyala
We come from a generation that hides pain like it’s an abomination to feel pain; to speak of your suffering.
There is a silent culture that is practised in my culture, of women who endure pain and carry it like they were meant to carry it. Women who see men wrong them and keep quiet.
Our grandmothers and mothers never spoke about pain, never spoke of injustice and, God forbid, they don’t speak about domestic violence they are enduring in their homes.
I grew up surrounded by such women. Women who found strength in staying quiet and letting men get away with anything. I too, practised the tradition, before I found my voice. I don’t want to make this post about suffering domestic violence in silence only but about suffering anything in silence. I am writing this post for every single person that is busy choking in their sorrow and hiding their scars.
I want you to know you will never find the healing that way, you have to release the pain first my darling! Time and time again, I have written about how people are ashamed of their struggle and pain. There is no shame in struggling, you are not committing a crime by saying you not okay and that you are in pain.
The shame is in being quiet. The shame is in passing down your tradition of silence to your children.
You should know that even in your brokenness you are powerful. Only when you own up to it can you begin to heal and be whole. So many broken people are putting themselves in situations they have no business getting into because they don’t know themselves.
When you are broken, all you can feel is pain and all you see is darkness. I know because I been there. You are blinded and driven by the pain that you carry around and carry it to every friendship and relationship and you keep wondering why you always end up hurt.
You question why people keep hurting you. Let me answer that for you: My darling, not everyone can love a broken person to wholeness ’cause that’s what love does, it loves you to wholeness, to a better version you.
Not everyone can stick around when you start to crack. They can see how broken you are because you will crack, you can only hide your pain for so long until you start showing it: from unexpected meltdowns to odd behaviour. Therefore, you need to break the tradition of silent, scream if you must but you have to break it, darling, so you can heal. We need to start practising the culture of healing after pain and bury the culture of suffering in silence and living broken because we will never fulfil our purpose that way. Our lives will be a waste.
You don’t have to create a blog like I did or put your struggle on social media to be able to speak up and break the tradition of silence, but you can start from not saying you are okay when you are depressed. Most importantly, take steps to heal. You can talk to a friend, seek counselling, go to therapy or whatever way you think will heal you. But keep this in mind, the process of healing is long and sometimes more painful than carrying your pain.
It’s painful and it’s uncomfortable as you uncover one layer of pain at a time and sometimes it can be shocking and unbearable when you discover you are the cause of some of your pain. But darling, when you are done, when you have healed every wound and are whole, you will thank yourself for taking on the journey of healing.
You will feel liberated and new!
A dear friend of mine, took the journey of healing a few months ago and when it got too painful to face a certain layer of pain, she would talk about how she just wants it to end and just get to the end of the healing process but I encouraged her to push through because that is how you know you are making progress, when it hurts. What I am trying to tell you is, having someone to hold you accountable and encourage you during your healing process helps a great deal. I want to help as many people to heal, in my own little way, that’s why I have this blog and if you don’t have anyone to help you with your healing process, I am here for you. Just drop me an email and you don’t even have to tell me your name.
Our children will be taught the value of their voice by us because we are ending the generational tradition of suffering in silence and staying silent to issues that hit home. We will no longer keep quiet when we are sitting on a needle or when someone is pinching us. We will no longer kill our power to make anyone comfortable. We shall gain knowledge and learn how to apply it, we shall heal, we shall get informed and then we will strike with our powerful voice.
Here are my two favourite poems that have helped in my healing process by Ijeoma Umebinyuo (Questions for Ada):
This wanting of myself gets stronger with age.
I host myself to myself. I am whole.
•••
Nobody warned you that the women whose feet you cut from running
would give birth to daughters with wings.
Now let us start healing!
Reach Rautia at rautia10@gmail.com
